Top 5 New Year's Resolution Fallacies (And Alternatives)

By Grace Carpenter on December 29, 2013

Here we are—the close of 2013, the year we thought we’d never survive. Compared to last year’s “Will this be the apocalypse?” turmoil, the approach of 2014 is probably seeming a little anti-climactic at this point.

Thankfully, however, we have a way to spice up the new year: New Year’s resolutions! This “Let’s all change our lives” spirit, however, is problematic because most New Year’s resolutions simply don’t stick. If you really want to approach 2014 without choosing unrealistic resolutions, miserably failing at achieving them, and thus sinking into a resentful whirlpool of “I hate New Year’s resolutions and possibly everything,” then this is for you. Here are the top five New Year’s resolution fallacies and potential alternatives that won’t make you hate resolutions:

1.  Lose Weight. We’ve all been there—fighting through the January jumble, gasping as we desperately claw our way through the post-Christmas chaos, and squeezing our slightly-inflated waists through the holiday havoc of whatever gym has the lowest membership fee. But really, how much does that actually help? Most of the time, we just end up killing time—not calories—as we mindlessly pretend to exercise on some strange and possibly alien apparatus we don’t even know how to work, just because we’re waiting for the hottie on the treadmill to stop showing off and go home. In three weeks, we’ll be back to snoozing our over-eager alarm clocks, eating chips, and glorifying in our slightly-too-tight pants that we justify by saying that we bought them this way on purpose. Instead of burning out our possibly over-hasty enthusiasm, irrevocably sliding back into our winter comas, and grumbling about how much we hate New Year’s and wearing pants, how about we resolve to switch that resolution to work on our perceptions of our bodies?

How about we resolve to stop “fat talk”—which we loathe, even while we do it—and to stop pinching our waists with disgust, and to stop lingering in our mirrors just to find flaws to hate? This year, let’s ditch “lose weight,” and instead try “Stop thinking I’m worthless if I don’t lose weight,” or, “Take care of my body in general, which includes not hating it.” Let’s be honest, you’ll like yourself more, and so will everyone else.

2.  Be More Careful about Money. Who hasn’t made this resolution? It’s a good one for the spendthrifts and splurgers who roam about unchecked and suddenly wonder why they don’t have any money left to buy toothpaste (been there, done that—if you haven’t, don’t try it). So many people, possessed by the dangerous “Hey! I’m taking charge of my life!” euphoria and assumed invincibility, pledge a lifelong commitment to saving money and cutting down on unnecessary purchases. And then what happens? By February, we’re so angry that we missed our favorite post-holiday blow-out clearance sale, that we spend whatever pennies we’ve managed to save on a totally unnecessary Valentine’s Day dress that we’ll wear once and then forget about because, let’s be honest, it didn’t really fit right anyway (#impulseshopperproblems).

How about we skip the random and probably unwarranted vengeance on our wallets, stop grinding our self-respect into the bank, and instead simply agree to “spend money on what’s worthwhile?”

If you really needed a watch but didn’t get one for Christmas, go find the post-holiday blowout sale and buy one yourself—but ditch the still-overpriced perfume and your sixth pair of slippers (but they’re so cozy!). If you have a totally gorgeous Valentine’s Day date, spend the money to feel beautiful for a night—but skip the matching handbag and heels you can’t walk in. Remember what you need and want, and spend the money to buy a nice version that will last, but avoid the random accessories you know you’ll just stuff under your bed anyway.

3.  Be More Productive. Let’s be honest—what does this even mean? We all have a vague inclination that we should “be more productive,” but somehow very few of us have any idea what that would actually look like, or how we would make it happen if we did. Spend more useless hours dozing in the library? Wake up earlier for work, skip lunch, and fall asleep before your shift is over? Stop watching television and gaze unseeingly at the wall, refusing to acknowledge the adorable puddle of drool on your pillow? Resolving to “be more productive” is too broad to make an impact. Instead, we could try “stop making grand and potentially meaningless declarations about how much I’m going to change my life.” No, don’t worry, I’m kidding (#butactually). When we make resolutions like this, they need to be more specific, so that we can really engrain them into our lives. As in, “Cut out one hour of Duck Dynasty, and spend that time practicing the piano.” That way, we might not get our redneck fixes, but instead of watching people live their lives, we can start living our own—by learning how to productively put something into the world. In this case, it’s beautiful music, but it could be anything from journal writing, to having a meaningful conversation, to actually going hunting instead of watching other people hunt.

This resolution can also be shifted into a specific goal—as in, instead of resolving to practice the piano, resolving to “learn the Moonlight Sonata and perform it for at least one person.” Narrowing our resolutions will make them more achievable, and teach us how to accomplish the goals we set for ourselves.

4.  Be Nicer and Less Grouchy. This is an admirable resolution but, unfortunately, a little misguided. It’s unrealistic to expect to change our dispositions just because the earth went one more time around the sun—it takes far more than one heliocentric cycle to revolutionize our individual temperaments, if we can at all. To avoid slipping into the pit of turbulent despair, and the subsequent process of wallowing in self-pity that we have emotions at all, and the resultant lashing-out at everyone who does not respect our highly-sensitive bubbles of internal tension, how about we seek the roots of our moodiness, and manage those instead? How about, instead of “be less grouchy,” we try, “find what upsets me, and find a way to cope?”

If you have a serious pet peeve about cleanliness, and your roommate very obviously does not, you can try to establish a channel of communication about roommate respect, discuss a way to compromise different levels of tidiness, and be patient as we each adjust to the new system. Or, if you don’t know why you’re not nice, or you’re simply not prone to friendliness, you can try to smile at one stranger every day, or give one meaningful compliment every time you feel particularly unpleasant. Choosing resolutions that cope with existing problems, or ones that counter-balance inexplicable or irresolute problems with genuine good, is a more feasible approach to improving your social habits and the way you treat others.

5.  Be a Better Person. There are two major problems with this resolution: Firstly, you can’t simply be a better person, because becoming a better person is a process, not an decision; secondly, this resolution begs the question, How? There are too many steps to self-hood and too many self-improvements we can each make for us to confront the whole challenge at once.

Because the process of “becoming a better person” is a long series of steps, “becoming a better person” is a continual project in which we are engaged most of our lives. Just like numbers three and four, we need to start small: maybe this year, resolve to “Discover What Kind of Person I Want To Be.” This resolution really can—and should—take a whole year, or maybe several (or, more accurately, our entire lives). Then, the next step: “Figure Out How I Am Like and Unlike the Person I Want to Be.” This resolution requires honesty—none of that self-deprecating nonsense. Be as honest with yourself about your strengths as you are with your weaknesses. And then comes the next step: “Discover How To Become the Person I Want to Be, and Take the Necessary Steps To Become That Person.” Don’t take the whole project on at once—it’s a lifelong journey, not a dreaded responsibility of adulthood we only begrudgingly assume.

Learning how to “become a better person” is an endless odyssey of becoming a self of which we are aware, respectful, and proud, and is too deeply engrained in our processes of growing up to be lightly tossed away as a petty reason to hit the gym or read another chapter of a book that you hate. Remember that this decision is an important one, and be careful to give it its proper due.

Follow Uloop

Apply to Write for Uloop News

Join the Uloop News Team

Discuss This Article

Get Top Stories Delivered Weekly

Back to Top

Log In

Contact Us

Upload An Image

Please select an image to upload
Note: must be in .png, .gif or .jpg format
OR
Provide URL where image can be downloaded
Note: must be in .png, .gif or .jpg format

By clicking this button,
you agree to the terms of use

By clicking "Create Alert" I agree to the Uloop Terms of Use.

Image not available.

Add a Photo

Please select a photo to upload
Note: must be in .png, .gif or .jpg format